When it comes to giving or receiving feedback, the way we feel about it is often driven by our personal beliefs and values.
These may cause us to seek out opportunities to exchange feedback, or to run a mile in the opposite direction at the mere mention of the word.
When doing the research for my new book, ‘Can I Offer You Something?’, what became clear is that common myths show up in people’s behaviour at work and shape the organisation’s culture around feedback. As they continue to play out, myths become truths and quickly affect how feedback is used or not used in support of people’s development. Soon an organisation can have a feedback culture that is unintendedly working against it and you, whether you are the provider or recipient of feedback.
So, how can you move beyond common myths to have a more purposeful relationship with feedback?
Myth #1 – Feedback is a one-way street
Recipients can feel as though feedback is being ‘done to them’ and as a result may start to disengage from the content and even the person providing the feedback. If, as the provider, you are feeling any anxiety about giving feedback, it’s likely that this experience may be exacerbated by your desire to ‘just get it over with’. You may end up inadvertently ‘dumping’ your feedback on the recipient and over time find that you get asked to share your perspectives less often.
Feedback should be a conversation that goes back and forth between provider and recipient. People are more likely to stay present and engaged with the conversation if the feedback is offered with empathy and shared in a way that suits both people. This puts the human connection back into the centre of the exchange. As my research found, 82% of people want feedback to be more relational.
Myth #2 – There is a universal formula
At work this may be driven by the organisation’s encouragement to use a particular model or cadence for feedback. You might also lean on your own experiences with feedback and do what has worked for you in the past. The belief that there is a ‘one size fits all’ approach can result in people having too much or too little feedback, that’s hard to process, exchanged in a way that isn’t authentic.
It’s important to consider that if there was a universal formula to exchanging feedback, all organisations would encourage their employees to use feedback in the same way. In reality, everyone experiences feedback differently and there is no universal formula, but there is likely to be a ‘right way’ for you. The more you can understand about your own feedback preferences and share them with those you work with the more benefits you will get from engaging in feedback.
Myth #3 – Asking questions is a sign of defensiveness
If the recipient of feedback does not have the space to ask questions for clarity (for example, they are worried it will be seen as being defensive, or trying to justify), then it’s likely they will fill in the gaps themselves; we are meaning-making machines after all. This can lead them to assume they know what the provider meant and use their time and energy in a futile way to action the ‘wrong thing’. Many people providing feedback, feeling anxious, just want to get it over with and so they unintentionally omit space for asking questions. This will likely lead to having to repeat the whole conversation again to clear up any misunderstandings or uncertainty.
Asking questions to clarify information can demonstrate curiosity and help you to build not only your self-awareness but also your awareness of others and limit unhelpful meaning making.
Myth #4 – Feedback is a call to action
For the person on the receiving end of feedback, this can be particularly problematic when they get lots of conflicting information. I once worked with someone who was told to both stop and start the same thing by two different people. This led to what I call ‘analysis paralysis’ as they tried to pick through all the information. In cases where feedback is not clear, recipients can bust themselves trying to action everything or focus on things that are not actually a priority. This can lead to missed opportunities, missed deadlines and frustration all round.
Feedback is really about inspiring choice, you offer someone some perspectives on something, and they can choose what to do with it; take it on board as a moment of recognition; learn, act or do nothing, without being penalised.
If what you’re offering someone will lead to an unhelpful consequence if they don’t act, then be clear and tell them. What you’re actually doing here is providing a direction, not feedback, and it’s useful for everyone to understand this and be clear on next steps.
Myth #5 – ‘Critical’ feedback is the most useful
This often goes hand in hand with the idea that people know they’re doing a good job and so don’t need to be told. This type of approach to feedback can lead to increased feelings of anxiety as people start to perceive feedback as a threat, especially if it only contains criticism. It follows that people will be on their guard or wary of what they’ll hear. This may cause them to feel judged personally, rather than being a reflection of what they have or haven’t done.
The truth is that negative and positive feedback can be equally uncomfortable, motivating, and challenging to both give and receive.
Regardless of how the feedback is labelled, it is important that it works for the person on the receiving end. After all, this is who it’s for. The first step to busting this myth is understanding. For what purpose do you want to offer or receive feedback? And then to use this to focus your efforts. From whom might you seek feedback? Or, how might you offer it to the human in front of you?
