Imagine the last heated argument that broke out in your office. Perhaps voices were raised or emails became acrimonious, or someone left a meeting room by slamming the door.
Conflict can seem like a time bomb in those moments.
What if the tension was not a disaster in waiting? What if that tension was exactly what your team needed to develop?
We are taught that conflict is bad and threatens harmony, productivity and morale. Truthfully, not all conflict is created equal. Some conflicts can spark creativity and innovation. Some disagreements can ignite a fire of creativity and innovation.
Knowing the difference is important.
Positive Conflict: What’s the Difference? Positive Conflict: How to Spot the Difference
Not all conflicts are the same. Positive conflict pushes your team forward. Negative conflict tears it apart. How can you tell the difference?
Positive conflict feels energising. It’s a lively debate in which everyone comes away with new ideas and mutual respect. The motivation is curiosity, not ego. The team members are confident that their opinions will be heard.
Negative conflict is draining. This type of conflict is rooted in defensiveness, blame and the need to win. These types of conflicts breed resentment, and they erode trust. People become withdrawn or shut down. When that happens, the shared purpose of your team is affected.
Your job as a leader is to turn conflict into a positive experience. This means setting expectations about how to handle disagreements, and intervening when things get out of control.
As a leader, you can turn disagreement into progress
When conflicts are managed properly, they can lead to innovation, improved communication, and stronger relationships within teams. When conflict is not managed, it can escalate into worse things, like personal attacks.
When someone disagrees or challenges your viewpoint, it’s easy to become defensive. It’s harder to maintain your composure when the attack is personal. Conflict can quickly escalate when it becomes personal.
Ryan Dunlap, Conflictish’s Chief Conflict Officer, describes the all-too common dynamic when responding to someone who attacks your character without basis.
He said, “You’re right, conflict almost always turns personal at some point.” This is because people will attack the credibility of a person who makes an argument when they can’t attack their merits.
Conflict is a tricky thing.
They won’t argue your logic if they feel threatened by you or your ideas. They’ll instead try to undermine your personal reputation. They may attack your credibility, doubt your intentions, and even spread rumours regarding your character.
Dunlap continues, “If what you say or do makes someone feel inferior and it’s right, they won’t be in a position to criticize the merits your actions.” They’ll instead attack you.”
When the conflict is too intense, the focus is shifted from the topic to the individual, and they are discredited instead.
How should you react when someone gets personal with you?
Dunlap says: “You must always maintain your dignity and composure.” Be a beacon of self-control, decency and dignity while standing up for yourself. When you behave badly, you make every lie about you plausible to others. .”
This is important for a leader. It is important to remain calm during a storm. Your first instinct may be to defend yourself when conflict becomes personal.
You risk, however, turning the conflict from a serious issue into a show, where the focus is shifted away from your character and towards the problem at hand. When that happens, your ideas may be lost in the noise.
It is for this reason that emotional control and grace are crucial to managing conflict effectively. By maintaining your composure, you can ensure that the conversation remains on track, and that the topic, not the individual, is the focus.
Empathy, Confidence and Trust: Building the Foundations
To get your team to accept conflict in a healthy manner, you will need three things: trust, confidence and empathy.
Understanding someone’s perspective is the key to gaining empathy. Recognizing that each person’s unique experience shapes their perspective. It’s possible that your colleague’s direct communication style is not rudeness, but just a way they have learned to communicate. You can reduce tension by leading with empathy.
Confidence comes from creating an environment where people can disagree without fear. Nobody should be forced to avoid difficult topics or keep their mouths shut to maintain peace. When your team is free to express their opinions, they will have more meaningful conversations.
The glue that holds everything together is trust. Over time, it is built through open communication and consistent actions. Without trust, even the most constructive criticism can seem like an attack on your person.
It’s important to understand the cultural conditioning of individuals.
Tashira Hallyard, Diversity and Inclusion Consultant, points out that we are often at odds with expectations based on different backgrounds.
She discusses, for example, how people with different cultural backgrounds, especially Black people and people of poor background, can approach conflict in a different way, and how this difference may be misinterpreted. She explains, “I didn’t realize I was supposed hide my emotions in my face.” “I didn’t realize I was not supposed to be direct when speaking to my supervisor… My conditioning tells to always stand up for me .”
It is important to have a culturally aware approach when dealing with conflict.
It is important to realize that what might appear as defiance or aggression in one culture, may be someone standing up for his or her beliefs in another or holding other people accountable.
The Hybrid Work Dilemma – New Dynamics and New Challenges
It was difficult enough to manage conflict in the workplace. You’ve now got to deal with hybrid and remote working.
In a physical workplace, you can detect subtle cues such as a sharp voice, a tense body posture or a colleague who is unusually quiet. Virtual meetings make it harder to pick up on subtle cues. When you only have a pixelated image and a choppy connection, it’s easy to misunderstand.
Emotional intelligence is now more important than ever. Leaders must pay attention to not only what is being said, but also how it is being said. Are they hesitant to speak? Avoiding eye contact with the cameras?
Small signs can indicate bigger problems.
Conflict Transformation: Turning Tension into Growth
This is where it gets interesting. It’s not just about putting fires out. It’s all about turning those sparks into constructive energy.
The transformation of conflict goes beyond the resolution of disagreements. This involves a complete change in the way that your team views conflict. This involves shifting the focus away from “Who is right?” and towards “What can we do to learn from this?”. It’s more than just fixing things up, but creating a lasting change in your culture.
Start by identifying the behaviours and attitudes which escalate tension. You may find that a member of your team is prone to interrupting or avoids difficult conversations. By addressing these patterns early, you can avoid minor issues spiraling out of control.
What you need to know about the legal side of things
There’s a common mistake that many leaders make: there is no playbook for managing conflict that fits all. There are many laws and regulations that must be considered, but they don’t take into account the complexity of remote work.
You are responsible for creating your own processes to handle disputes. You might want to set up ground rules for virtual meetings or offer training in mediation skills. Or you could simply make it clear that the door is always open, whether virtual or not.
Accept the Mess
Conflict itself is not the enemy. It’s better to avoid it. You can make your team stronger, more intelligent, and more resilient when you accept disagreements.
Next time you feel tension building, don’t run away. Lean into it. Ask questions. Listen. Listen. When you handle conflict with confidence, empathy, and trust, the problem becomes a solution.
